I believe I have finally come to the crux.
My husband assures me that I am not a failure every single day, all day, as I believe. I made him promise which in this house means you cannot lie. Period.
But I look around and see all the things I know need to be done and don't get done. Except monitoring my children in some meaningful way makes doing things even in the next room difficult with their blood-curdling screams piercing me like a needle to my brain. I do not tolerate that well. Mama doesn't really like a lot of noise. The general, run-of-the-mill housekeeping does not get done regularly until I am completely sick of it. That takes a long time. In order for me to be effective at home and clean well, I need to be alone, or at least mostly so.
I do "waste" a lot of time doing what I am doing now. Absorbing myself in my online universe where some people have better lives than me, others have worse, some people have great ideas, or I just find something fascinating and I Follow.That.Rabbit!
Needless to say, I feel much guilt about the state of my affairs.
But is this guilt justified?
Am I being convicted of a lack of discipline?
Is it okay to not get laundry done again? Not cook supper again? Not do school again? Not to read my Bible again?
Do I need to develop more discipline or learn to be content with what I can manage?