I guess I'm tying a knot and hanging on. I am frustrated, aggravated and annoyed at a level that can't possibly increase. I feel lazy, unmotivated and uninspired to do most of the necessary things that need doing. There are other areas that I am motivated in, but I can't seem to transfer that motivation from one area to another. It's like I've become a man and my brain has suddenly, without notice, compartmentalized. This is not good.
I am so grateful for the hands-on approach Brian takes to fathering. There are very few things that he absolutely does not do. One, breastfeeding. We tried it once. Okay, not really. But he truly does not cut little fingernails. Everything else is fair game. Which is why it's so hard for me to be selfless when Brian is overloaded. He's the selfless one. Not me.
What can I do to alleviate this feeling of isolation and aloneness? I am not going to hide behind a mask of "fine" when everything is not fine! If I try to talk to someone, will they really listen or is it too much when everyone has their own problems? And...can I be as honest in person?
I am struggling with the girls (Could they fight and scream a little more over more asinine things?) and the things that have my attention distracted from them (because the computer does not scream or injure Brian's computer and does not demand food) and overcoming my hamster feeling (laundry again?). Do I just need to accept this is the phase of my life? I don't want to accept it. I want to move past this and be a better __________. But I don't know how. And I'm not real happy with this phase of life, to be honest.
I'm thinking I need a real, live therapist. Someone I can actually verbalize with. A friend would be better because there might be this exchange of ideas that would be mutually beneficial, but I'll take what I can get.
I also want to know how to get the squirrels out of the attic. Seriously, I hear the squirrels rolling their nuts around up there...that can't be good.