Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rope's End

I guess I'm tying a knot and hanging on. I am frustrated, aggravated and annoyed at a level that can't possibly increase. I feel lazy, unmotivated and uninspired to do most of the necessary things that need doing. There are other areas that I am motivated in, but I can't seem to transfer that motivation from one area to another. It's like I've become a man and my brain has suddenly, without notice, compartmentalized. This is not good.

I am so grateful for the hands-on approach Brian takes to fathering. There are very few things that he absolutely does not do. One, breastfeeding. We tried it once. Okay, not really. But he truly does not cut little fingernails. Everything else is fair game. Which is why it's so hard for me to be selfless when Brian is overloaded. He's the selfless one. Not me.

What can I do to alleviate this feeling of isolation and aloneness? I am not going to hide behind a mask of "fine" when everything is not fine! If I try to talk to someone, will they really listen or is it too much when everyone has their own problems? And...can I be as honest in person?

I am struggling with the girls (Could they fight and scream a little more over more asinine things?) and the things that have my attention distracted from them (because the computer does not scream or injure Brian's computer and does not demand food) and overcoming my hamster feeling (laundry again?). Do I just need to accept this is the phase of my life? I don't want to accept it. I want to move past this and be a better __________. But I don't know how. And I'm not real happy with this phase of life, to be honest.

I'm thinking I need a real, live therapist. Someone I can actually verbalize with. A friend would be better because there might be this exchange of ideas that would be mutually beneficial, but I'll take what I can get.

I also want to know how to get the squirrels out of the attic. Seriously, I hear the squirrels rolling their nuts around up there...that can't be good.


Anonymous said...

I am right there with you on this topic. I will listen but I probably wont have any handy tips -my life is rock bottom these days too:-) I am struggling with selfishness and laziness and it's almost as if my brain refuses to function. Maybe hearing the raw honesty of your screw-ups will make me feel like a better person?:-)
** as far as the squirrels, how about a shotgun? you could take out the squirrels and get some stress relief!

Georgia said...

Not handy tips! Exchange of ideas! You know, being "real". The sort of thing that seems to elude people. Encouragement to press on. Impressing the feeling that someone cares and is genuinely interested in my trials and I am interested in theirs. That's what I need, I think. Actually, I don't know what I want or need. Maybe to get my focus back...somehow.

Shall I shoot the squirrels while they nest in the attic? Or just not worry about it since we don't even own this house?!

Anonymous said...

I would love to talk to you and be "Real" because you know I am "Real", but I am so frustrated with other people's kids right now that I can't function at home. I have heard the frustration from MANY people these days, could it be an environmental thing? I really need help now too. What is with this? I feel lazy and don't want to do ANYTHING but lay down!!! As for the squirrels, just chuckle that it is not your house and those people have to live with them FOREVER!!!! If you need to call me I would love to talk!


Lindsay said...

I guess I'm the odd one out here, and shoot me if I come across prissy, okay? I'm actually NOT in one of those phases of life right now, so the only thing I can say is: I PROMISE this does not last forever.

I was listening to a sermon yesterday by Rob Bell (Mars Hill in which he said that the #2 reason people have a hard time is because they assume that because things are this way RIGHT NOW, that they will ALWAYS be this way. (The #1 reason was selfishness.) He was referencing the verse in Philippians that says to do "all things without murmuring or complaining." It will not always be this bad. Your kiddos will soon be old enough to get dressed by themselves, get their own breakfast, and play by themselves while you take a nap - I promise!

All that said, some days you just need to vent and cry about it - and, for some reason, men just don't understand this kind of talk!!

Thanks so much for writing about this - it helps us all remember when we have days (months...years?) that suck that we aren't the only ones feeling this way, and that it won't last forever.

Just out of curiosity, how does Brian handle your meltdowns? Jeremy is getting better at handling my little temper tantrums over the laundry (frequently) and the dishes (less frequently, but still routinely). He used to get really aggravated when I would get aggravated (which is a really bad cycle...), but I think he's realized that a wise man listens in's hoping that Brian is "wise" - lol.


Anonymous said...

You sound so hard on yourself. I hope it's okay to say that - and I only say it because you know I've so been there myself.

You mentioned that you are motivated in some areas but can't transfer those from one to the other. I suppose my question to you would be: why do you have to be motivated in all things at all times?

My point being: what's so wrong with compartmentalization? If you're motivated in a few areas, why not take those and run with them? Take the strenths God's given you for right now and make the most of them. Don't beat yourself up with guilt that you don't have enough oil in your lamp to do everything you feel you should be doing. Just take the oil you got, and burn it on the good stuff - not on guilt and beating yourself up (you'll only wear yourself out that way).

This I know from experience.

As for isolation and loneliness, nothing beats playing outside. I used to always feel so cooped up and lonely until we started spending lots of time outside. I used to want to hurt people when they suggested I get fresh air. So wish hurt upon me if you prefer - but I can honestly say that my hammock is my friend. I play with my kids for awhile, then I send them to play while I read in my hammock. I never knew bliss until this.

I actually find that taking the time to play outside - whether it be backyard play, bike-riding, taking walks, or hanging out outside, just refreshes me and gives me what I need to get a little more done.

Plus it gets all that restless energy out of my kids - and they bicker less. ;)

I know what it's like to really, truly struggle. Please be kind to yourself. Think of your little girls that you love so much and the lessons that you try to teach them about God's love for them and His Grace. Now apply that same tenderness towards YOU. God doesn't expect you to be no Supermama, girl. So let yourself off the hook, sugar. :)

leisa (who can never write less than 300 pages; sorry)

Luke said...

I went to psychotherapy for a few years in college ($12 a session, so I could afford it [smile])... and it was a blast!

I really enjoyed it, and it was good to be able to verbalize things and have 45 minutes a week where I had to talk about myself. It was good.

I don't know if you could get a good deal/opportunity like I had, but if you can it may be great.


Anonymous said...

I am so there! too.

I grew up with a mom that was obsessed with a picked up house. I do not really remember her playing a game or dolls with me.

My hang ups is I may have laundry but my kids say play with me,I am going to play with them.

I get my things done,very slowly too. So you are not alone, but "This too shall pass"
Its the season,its getting cooler.

You can call me anytime..Shanon has my number..I love to talk..

shanon said...

Once again, we are sisters in ALL things. I can motivate myself to write an 8 chapter story about absolutely nothing, but not do three loads of laundry? What is that about? I have let a lot of things just slide lately, and have a bad case of the lazies myself. Or as I've referred to it, my medical condition. What? You don't know about it? Oh, it's serious! My Give-a-Darn is broken! I don't know if it can even be repaired! See, you're at least smiling, now, right? That's the key. Learn to laugh at yourself, your situation, your kids, your life.....It goes in cycles. This too shall pass. And then come back. And then pass. You see the way it is. You know where I am when you need me. I'm about as real as it gets right now. Sorry I'm 6 hours away!

Lindsay said...

So how are things right now? Are they any better a week or so later? Here's hoping!

ali said...

I SO HEAR YOU ON THE... well.. everything. the whole thing. been TWENTY YEARS for me in march. TWENTY YEARS.
no squirells but i have roaches!!!!!

Georgia said...


I am re-reading the comments this morning because the thing that kept coming back to me was the part about not murmuring or complaining. Gee...that sounds like great advice. I'm going through this Bible study on Esther where the primary point being made is that Esther was prepared. And we should be prepared. Honestly, I think this may be a stretch to get that from the evidence presented, but I don't doubt the crucialness of being prepared. Using time wisely. You know, my chief problem.

I cannot wrap my mind around the probability that I will not always be at this place in life. My biggest question is this: Am I completely misusing my time and need to develop more discipline or should I learn to be content with what I am able to accomplish in a day?

In fact, I'm going to make this a blog post and wait for the responses to start rolling in!