The Things I'm Talking About

I set down to write a big, whiny post about why my life is so hard at home, hence the title. I was going to cite specific examples, taken from this day alone. How in the world can I possibly get anything accomplished because every time I leave the room disaster ensues? But then I was reminded of something I read this morning in my Bible.

Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings. Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that He has promised. Hebrews 10:35-36

I realize that many of my problems are a lack of preparation and planning. My dad has a saying, "Your poor planning does not constitute an emergency on my part." This has become the story of my days...poor planning becoming an emergency.

I want to focus on these areas so I may start logging where I have planned adequately and things have gone well or when I have failed to plan and execute adequately and the ensuing results. Also, maybe a a list of completed items to show to myself, if no one else, that I am not a failure all day, every day.

Contentedness v. More Discipline

I believe I have finally come to the crux.

My husband assures me that I am not a failure every single day, all day, as I believe. I made him promise which in this house means you cannot lie. Period.

But I look around and see all the things I know need to be done and don't get done. Except monitoring my children in some meaningful way makes doing things even in the next room difficult with their blood-curdling screams piercing me like a needle to my brain. I do not tolerate that well. Mama doesn't really like a lot of noise. The general, run-of-the-mill housekeeping does not get done regularly until I am completely sick of it. That takes a long time. In order for me to be effective at home and clean well, I need to be alone, or at least mostly so.

I do "waste" a lot of time doing what I am doing now. Absorbing myself in my online universe where some people have better lives than me, others have worse, some people have great ideas, or I just find something fascinating and I Follow.That.Rabbit!

Needless to say, I feel much guilt about the state of my affairs.

But is this guilt justified?

Am I being convicted of a lack of discipline?

Is it okay to not get laundry done again? Not cook supper again? Not do school again? Not to read my Bible again?

Do I need to develop more discipline or learn to be content with what I can manage?

The 101st Post

I've seen it done on other blogs. It's not a bad idea. I'm going to do it here.

One hundred one things about me:

1. I am named after my grandfather.
2. My mother, my oldest daughter and I all share a middle name.
3. It's Kaye.
4. I am 5'10".
5. I wear a size 11 shoe.
6. Buying shoes is hard.
7. I love shoes.
8. My parents have been married nearly 34 years.
9. I am the oldest of 2.
10. My brother is 9 years younger than me.
11. Today, I am 31 and a half.
12. My parents still live in the first house they ever owned.
13. Brian and I have moved 7 times since we've been married.
14. That includes out and back in after Hurricane Rita repairs.
15. We have been married nearly 6 years.
16. We met on the internet.
17. My friend, Kellie, suggested I place an ad on Match.com.
18. We married nearly a year to the day after our first date.
19. Eloped, really.
20. To the Caribbean.
21. On a cruise.
22. My mother didn't speak to me for 2 months.
23. We were married on a Sunday.
24. I was barefoot in the sand.
25. It rained that day.
26. They said it was good for fertility.
27. We have 3 girls.
28. All born within the first five years.
29. The oldest is Lillian Kaye.
30. We call her Lily.
31. She was 3 weeks early.
32. She weighed 9 pounds, 11 ounces.
33. Fifteen months later, Darcy Suzanne.
34. She was 2 weeks early.
35. She weighed 8 pounds, 9 ounces.
36. She was born during our Hurricane Rita evacuation.
37. In another hospital.
38. In another city.
39. By another doctor.
40. Third, Reagan Elizabeth.
41. Also 2 weeks early.
42. She weighed 9 pounds, 7 ounces.
43. All babies delivered by C-section.
44. By 3 different doctors.
45. In 3 different hospitals.
46. In 3 different cities.
47. I was also a big baby.
48. I weighed 11 pounds, 3.5 ounces.
49. We expect there will be a 4th at some point in time.
50. In college, I was an English major.
51. I didn't finish.
52. I lived with my parents for 5 years after I didn't finish college.
53. I slept on a folding camping cot the whole time.
54. So long, that sleeping in a regular bed made my back hurt terribly.
55. Now we have a TempurPedic.
56. In the real world, I discovered I was good with numbers.
57. Especially numbers associated with dollars.
58. I want to be a forensic accountant when I grow up.
59. Except I'm already grown up and a stay-at-home mom.
60. Pre-SAHM, I was an executive assistant for engineers.
61. I loved my boss I worked with in Abilene, TX.
62. He gave me free reign to do what I needed to do.
63. I just didn't love Abilene.
64. I love magazines.
65. Especially Texas Monthly.
66. My guilty pleasure to read when I'm stuck somewhere are celebrity magazines like People and US.
67. I love Beverly Hills 90210.
68. And E/R.
69. Also NYPD Blue.
70. I watch/listen to them on DVD while I work.
71. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.
72. I love the food you can't/don't get any other time of the year.
73. Fall and spring are my favorite seasons.
74. I do not like cold weather.
75. I love the beach.
76. Except I don't get real excited about the water.
77. Unless it's in a pool.
78. I love to lay out in the sun by the water and feel the wind all day.
79. A pool on a beach would be the best thing ever.
80. I am very fair so I burn.
81. I used to think I was olive-complected.
82. Before I was married, I used to spend my days off alone on Galveston beach.
83. I miss those days.
84. I smoked Marlboro Lights for 8 years.
85. It's been 5 and a half years since I quit smoking.
86. I don't start again becasue of the effect it would have on my girls.
87. There are many days I miss smoking.
88. I have 3 tattoos.
89. One is a peach.
90. I like fine jewelery.
91. Especially diamonds.
92. My birthstone.
93. I am a Taurus.
94. Another of my tattoos.
95. Once I was engaged, I stopped reading my horoscope.
96. I am extremely emotional and get my feelings hurt easily.
97. Most people don't know that about me.
98. I love brownies.
99. And Coke.
100. After years of never having any "real" hobbies, I now have several that I have no time to do.
101. I have been a Christian since I was 8 years old.

Praying For the Patriarchal "gods" To Fall

A blogger whose discussions on grace-based parenting and the patriarchy movement really cause me to think and at the same time, soothe my heart, has written something new including links to articles by Michael and Debi Pearl. Be sure to read the articles. Here's the post: Praying For the Patriarchal "gods" To Fall

I don't know how I feel about some of this. I'm still taking it all in. I will always be fine with people making decisions based on the Lord's voice in their lives. I don't think one person can ever question another person on this topic. We can never know what the Lord tells each of us to do. Even Brian can't know what the Lord tells me to do. However, I will always resist being told by others what is right or required. Time and time again, the Lord has shown me to seek Him, not rely on answers supplied by others.

Vision Forum was referenced in the articles and in the post itself and I do have an opinion on that group. Quoting from an email I sent to a friend: I find that much of the literature from Vision Forum perpetuates the fallacy that a woman's only value is in bearing children and waiting on her husband. I don't see VF offering freedom in Christ to mothers. I see them selling more of the lie that we have no business doing anything that doesn't revolve around being Holly Homemaker.

Not that those things aren't important. Of course taking care of your family is an important role for women. I would even say it's the most important role for women. But it's not the only thing, and I don't think we should limit ourselves to only one way to accomplish it. Women are useful and gifted for much more. Gifted by God.

I, for one, am not going to tell my daughters otherwise.

Personality Test Analysis

A while back, I took at personality test and was mesmerized by the results because they were absolutely accurate. I want to celebrate the person I am, instead of the person I wish I were. Anyone who reads this will have great insight into how I think. I encourage others to take the test. It's definitely eye-opening. Feel free to post your results in a comment! The following information gleaned from: http://www.mypersonality.info/

As for me:

I fall under the category of ISFJ (Defender) personality type:

I-Introverted (79%)
Introversion is a preference to focus on the world inside the self. Introverts tend to be quiet, peaceful and deliberate and are not attracted to social interactions. They prefer activities they can do alone or with one other close friend, activities such as reading, writing, thinking, and inventing. Introverts find social gatherings draining. (I am advanced enough to do activities with one or two friends, but usually not many more than that. I do value my time alone and look forward to my opportunitites to not speak at all.)

Introvert Characteristics:
Energized by time alone
Private
Keeps to self
Quiet
Deliberate
Internally aware
Fewer friends
Prefer smaller groups
Independent
Not socially inclined
Enjoys solitude
Thinks before speaking (This would be an area I could work on.)

S-Sensing (74%)
Sensing refers to how people process data. Sensing people focus on the present, they are "here and now" people, who are factual and process information through the five senses. They see things as they are, they are concrete thinkers. (This seems an interesting contrast for me. I do find myself trying to solve the problem at hand, trying to discover what we can do now to prevent problems down the road.)

Sensing Characteristics
Concrete
Realistic
Lives in the present
Aware of surroundings
Notices details
Practical
Goes by senses
Factual

F-Feeling (68%)
Feeling refers to how people make decisions. Feeling people are subjective and make decisions based on principles and values. They are ruled by their heart instead of their head. Feeling people judge situations and others based on feelings and extenuating circumstances. (This seems opposite to the "sensing" aspect. Maybe this addresses issues that can be solved subjectively. I guess these type of people would be considered "tender-hearted". I am definitely interested in hearing everyone's story.)

Feeling Characteristics
Decides with heart
Dislikes conflict
Passionate
Driven by emotion
Gentle
Easily hurt
Empathetic
Caring of others
Warm (Another area that could use some work. I definitely feel all the above apply, but I have a hard time getting the information across because of the warmness factor.)

J-Judging (58%)
Judging is the preference outwardly displayed. Judging does not mean "judgmental". Judging people like order, organization and think sequentially. They like to have things planned and settled. Judging people seek closure. (This is absolutely accurate.)

Judging Characteristics
Decisive
Controlled
Good at finishing (Ummm, not good at finishing.)
Organized
Structured
Scheduled
Quick at tasks
Responsible
Likes closure
Makes plans

About the ISFJ - The "Defender":
ISFJs are traditional, loyal, quiet and kind. They are very sensitive to other people's needs because they are very observant. They have rich inner thoughts and emotions. They value stability and cultural norms. They are very adept at giving attention to detail. They do not seek positions of authority. (It took me a long time to learn that it was okay to not want to be the boss and to further realize that every good boss needed a good assistant.)

"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their
"need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard
give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs
find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a
normal life." - ISFJ Profile (TypeLogic)

"modest, not confrontational, easily hurt, observer, prone to crying (I really dislike that about myself--it helped me see that I did not belong in the big corporate world. Most people do not realize that I am a crybaby at heart. I try to be very careful who I allow to see me that vulnerable.), not spontaneous (Who can be spontaneous with 3 children? Everytime we are, disaster ensues!)" - Jung Type Descriptions ISFJ) (similarminds.com)

"ISFJs have a rich inner world that is not usually obvious to observers.
They constantly take in information about people and situations that is
personally important to them, and store it away. This tremendous store of
information is usually startlingly accurate, because the ISFJ has an exceptional
memory about things that are important to their value systems. It would not be
uncommon for the ISFJ to remember a particular facial expression or conversation
in precise detail years after..." - Portrait of an ISFJ (The Personality Page) (This is alarmingly accurate.)

"The primary desire of the Protector SJ is to be of service to others, but here "service" means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life, as guarding others against life's pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security." - The Portrait of the Protector Guardian (iSfJ) (Keirsey)

"At work, ISFJs contribute loyal, sympathetic, consistent, and considerate
service to others. They are know for their kindness and for their willingness to
go to any length to help those in need. They take the practical needs of people
into account when they do their work, and their strong follow-through skills
allow them to carry out organizational goals. They do at least what is expected
to them and oftentimes more, without attracting attention to themselves. They
are painstaking and responsible with detail and routine, and feel it is important to have the right things in the right places at the right times." - ISFJ - The Nurturer (Lifexplore)

Organizer Update

I actually sold one of my homeschooling organizers. I am very excited because my customer seems to be pleased with it as well.

Using the organizer helps me to see what might be more helpful and I've had some ideas. On the weekly pages, I have little monthly calendars that show the previous and next month at a glance. Using my own organizer let me know that it would be helpful to have the current month on there as well, just as a quick reference. All future organizers will have this feature.

The biggest inovation will be the future right/left handed books. I have found that the current way the book is laid out is problematic for a right-handed person who will more than likely do most of their writing in the Lesson Plan blocks. After writing just a bit, your hand backs up to the rings, and I for one, find that very annoying. Yes, you can remove the paper because of the awesome binder status, but I don't want to do that unnecessarily. Better to have an organizer that functions on all levels.

I am thrilled with how this has turned out and am actually considering putting some together for next summer and hitting a conference or two...

Rope's End

I guess I'm tying a knot and hanging on. I am frustrated, aggravated and annoyed at a level that can't possibly increase. I feel lazy, unmotivated and uninspired to do most of the necessary things that need doing. There are other areas that I am motivated in, but I can't seem to transfer that motivation from one area to another. It's like I've become a man and my brain has suddenly, without notice, compartmentalized. This is not good.

I am so grateful for the hands-on approach Brian takes to fathering. There are very few things that he absolutely does not do. One, breastfeeding. We tried it once. Okay, not really. But he truly does not cut little fingernails. Everything else is fair game. Which is why it's so hard for me to be selfless when Brian is overloaded. He's the selfless one. Not me.

What can I do to alleviate this feeling of isolation and aloneness? I am not going to hide behind a mask of "fine" when everything is not fine! If I try to talk to someone, will they really listen or is it too much when everyone has their own problems? And...can I be as honest in person?

I am struggling with the girls (Could they fight and scream a little more over more asinine things?) and the things that have my attention distracted from them (because the computer does not scream or injure Brian's computer and does not demand food) and overcoming my hamster feeling (laundry again?). Do I just need to accept this is the phase of my life? I don't want to accept it. I want to move past this and be a better __________. But I don't know how. And I'm not real happy with this phase of life, to be honest.

I'm thinking I need a real, live therapist. Someone I can actually verbalize with. A friend would be better because there might be this exchange of ideas that would be mutually beneficial, but I'll take what I can get.

I also want to know how to get the squirrels out of the attic. Seriously, I hear the squirrels rolling their nuts around up there...that can't be good.

Part 3-Our Quiver, Or What The Lord Has Done

We were finally allowed back to our house after Hurricane Rita, but it wasn't liveable and wouldn't be for months and months. I was a stay-at-home mom with a toddler and a newborn feeling both out of place and in the way, living in a garage apartment belonging to kind friends. I was withdrawn, sad and depressed.

Before moving into the apartment, we had spent 2 weeks with our friend in Houston and another 3 weeks living with my in-laws, soaking up their hospitality. Thankfully, Darcy was an easy baby. Unlike Lily, when Darcy ate in the middle of the night (after the first few days), she did so easily and went back to sleep quickly. We were so hyperfocused on our housing crisis, that we didn't have much time or energy for infants requiring much attention.

After life settled a bit and I was able to contact my doctor, I had an IUD inserted. I needed birth control that would work without any interference from me. I had found out the hard way what happens if you miss a few pills. I asked my doctor for a recommendation and the Mirena IUD is what she suggested. Brian and I read the phamphlet and decided that this would be good. I was in no way prepared for the pain of having it inserted. It was excruciating and I wondered if the thing was ever going to get in. But once it was in, it was wonderful. I loved it. I never gave a thought as to how it worked, and frankly, I didn't care. I just didn't want any more kids. Ever, really. I just hadn't convinced Brian of it yet.

We were finally able to move back into our house and we were so thrilled. We had had new wood flooring put in, and our kitchen completely remodeled. There was brand new living room furniture and new bedroom furniture. The end result was really, really nice. Brian had done much of the work himself late at night and on weekend, and there was much blood, sweat and tears in it.

Six weeks of finally being home after 6 months of being gone, Brian gets a call. They want him to go to school to become a nuclear inspector and move...up to the Metroplex.

Sunday Sundaes

I found this trolling the internet: Sunday Sundaes

I like this guy; I think I'll keep tuning in. I want to think about what I'm doing and be deliberate. I want to be purposeful.

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At My Funeral...

I have decided that when I die, I want "How Great Thou Art" sung at my funeral by a real-deal soprano who can hit the high notes, Sandi Patty style.

Surrendering The Secret

There are statistics that report nearly 50% of women of child-bearing age are heavy with the secret of past abortions. Even God-fearing, Christian women. They remain unhealed and deeply burdened because of the shame of the act itself and the fear of sharing such a secret.

LifeWay has released a Bible study called Surrendering The Secret: Healing the Heartbreak of Abortion by Pat Layton. Melinda on Traveling the Road Home is offering the complete study in the giveaway that keeps on giving. Melinda thinks all churches should have this resource and I agree. That's why I am participating.

I remember seeing an advertisement for this study on the back of my church-provided devotional book just this past summer. I was surprised because no one ever talks about abortion, let alone offers a Bible study focused on the women and offering healing. I thought it was great, but I doubted that any church would offer it and even if they did...I doubted if women would even go, the stigma is so huge. It's a problem.

However, I want to be part of the solution.

The Voice of My Teenage Angst

The other day, I heard a song that hurled me back to my freshman year of high school (1991). That song put music and words to that year's personal angst. That song was Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me".

I was heartbroken over a boy that I liked that didn't like me. Who started dating my friend during this. When I heard that song, was I ever reminded of that unhappy time.

The passing of time will give perspective.

I found out about 12 years ago that guy is gay.