Unmotivated

That's where I've been.

Completely and utterly unmotivated.

I've worked out about 4 times in the last 6 weeks.

Thanksgiving was crummy. Brian was sick and the girls were sick. Then I was sick, the kids were sick and Brian was sick. This week, Brian was out of town and the girls are sick. Darcy actually had a temperature of 105 on Tuesday. I did an admirable job of not panicking. But all that leaves me drained and unmotivated to do anything.

When we moved here, I was gung-ho to meet everyone and do everything. Now, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't really want to do much of anything. I am tired and unfocused and I just don't care.

However on a more positive note, it seems that Lily has been potty trained. I'm actually pretty pleased that she was able to accomplish this. I felt certain I was going to be changing her diaper on her wedding day. Darcy is walking now. I've got one baby using the potty like a big girl and the other one upright and taking steps. I think time is flying by....and I can't say that I approve.

Brian will be out of town next week in Columbus learning new and important information in the world of Concrete. In the meantime, I will be doing...well, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to be doing. Getting ready for our trip, I guess. And doing some holiday baking as well.

Christmas just isn't Christmas unless I make some ugly cookies. Two of the last 4 years, I have tried to recreate the decorated sugar cookies of my youth. My mom used to make (from scratch, of course) sugar cookies that she iced and decorated. Things that have to be rolled out are not my forte and I can't ice anything, cakes included. Brian and I make a great team in that I can bake and he can frost. Except he's not going to be here. One good thing is that I've figured out what my problem is: I don't take my time. If I can manage to slow down and take longer than 30 seconds to do it, it may not come out looking like something Lily made.

However, for any of this to happen, I'm going to have to get motivated. I want to be in a new frame of mind when I start my vacation in 10 days.

Miscellany

The outage has completed, but Brian is still working excessively. Hopely that will draw to a close as well. Sunday, Brian didn't go to work at all and it seemed almost decadent to have him home all day. We have received the check that had 85 hours of overtime on it. That was nice. Almost makes it worth while.

Relations with my family seem to be thawing. I spoke with my brother at length on Sunday and assume he harbors no ill will toward me for interfering in his life. At least he doesn't have the courage of his convictions to not take money and gifts from me. I sent a package to my and Brian's parents with pictures of and by the girls. (A trick I learned on FlyLady to direct kid clutter somewhere other than my house.) I received an email from my dad thanking me and telling me that he heard (from my brother) that we were planning on coming that way. They want to know our plans because they don't want to miss seeing us while they might be out of town. He said "everyone" so I guess that includes me. He said "we" so I guess that includes my mother.

Brian has set his vacation and will be taking the last 2 weeks in December. This time was not my preference. I wanted to leave on Thanksgiving and stay until about the 3rd of December so that we could have Christmas in our own home and not have to do anything anyone else wanted us to do. It seems like every Christmas since we have been married has been half-baked. I wanted us to start our own traditions. One that didn't involve us traveling anywhere or feeling obligated to anyone else. That's the biggest part...that feeling of obligation, more commonly known as The Guilt Trip.

Brian got jerked around so much this year because of the transfer and all the OJT and the schools that he didn't get to take his vacation when he intended and now he's stuck taking it at the end of the year. If he doesn't take it now, it won't roll over and it seems a shame to waste 3 weeks of days. I, for one, don't want to stay here day in and day out for 2 weeks with him not working so "home" we will go for about 10 days. Brian is afraid he's going to be bored out of his mind. Surely there are some people who will still want to see us, even after the "Homeschooling" discussion. I know several people I would like to get together with...if only to pick their brains.

My training is going well. I continue to improve and Amy has assigned me 10 miles of cardio per week. It's not really as difficult as I thought it was going to be. My body will allow me to stay on the elliptical for 30 minutes thus giving me over 2 miles in one sitting. When I first started working out, I thought there was no way in the world that I would be able to go 10 minutes, but look at me now. I haven't been motivated to do much of anything the last couple of weeks, but I think my motivation is coming back. I'm definitely getting stronger and my muscles are becoming visible. I train with Amy on Friday and she'll take my measurements again to see how I'm really doing.

Halloween Carnival vs. Fall Festival

Okay, what's the difference and what's the point?

When I was growing up, our school had a Halloween carnival every year with a cake walk and I don't remember what else. It was always the last Saturday of the month of October and it was so fun. Our town always had a Halloween parade and then we would go to the carnival and then over to the Main Street Fair, also tons of fun. But the Main Street Fair lost its allure several years ago and has now moved to some sort of Christmas something or other.

My mother felt like only religious fanatics didn't celebrate Halloween and we certainly weren't fanatics. I remember as a youth in youth group watching a video about devil worship on Halloween. I walked away with the impression that Halloween was okay as long as you weren't worshipping the devil. That was really the church's only statement on the whole sordid affair, to my knowledge anyway.

And now, many, many churches are having "Fall Festivals". Well, what is the difference between that and the old-fashioned Halloween carnivals? Hayride? Check. Bobbing for apples? Check. Costumes? Check. Candy? Check. Confetti eggs? Check. It's still the same time of the year (even the same weekend). So what's the point? Why are we even bothering to call it a Fall Festival? Just call it a Halloween Carnival and be done with it. It's the exact same thing.

Don't get me wrong...I don't really have a problem with it either way, except that doesn't really feel right either. It seems almost inbred in me that as Christians we are supposed to hate Halloween because that's the Enemy's holiday. But there's something in me that is just bucking the system on that one.

I think if you want to have a real Fall Festival, have it in November where you're less likely to fall out from heatstroke and less likely to make the lost think that the church is finally condoning Halloween. Even unbelievers know what a Fall Festival held on the last weekend of October is.

Should We Encourage Our Daughters To Go To College?

In light of some of my recent thoughts, I have pondered this idea as well. Should we encourage (and pay for) our daughters to go to college? About 18 months ago, Brian and I discussed this and I was appalled at the injustice that the very idea screamed at me. What possible reason in the world could a parent have for not encouraging a girl to further her education? I railed against the injustice. Not that Brian agreed with that idea...he was just throwing it out there. Preposterous, I said. Utterly ridiculous.

But is it?

The biggest hurdle I have to contentedness and joy as a stay-at-home mom is actually accepting the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom with every intention of homeschooling my children. But why? Didn't you get the memo? I'm supposed to be doing "something" with my life. Yes, I know, answering the call of nurturing my family is my highest calling. Somewhere in the back of my head, there are lots of times that I feel like that is what I have to do because I didn't finish my education. Had I finished, I could be doing something really rewarding. I could be doing something that I really like (like accounting) instead of something that most days just drives me to distraction. I know that if I were in a high rise somewhere counting beans, I would be missing huge, key moments in my daughters' lives and I would be singing the sad song that working mothers sing.

So every day I fight with myself and I guess my point in all of this is...what if I'd been taught from birth on that raising a family was the greatest honor and joy for a woman? Would I still have this struggle inside of me to break free and run screaming to the university to get my accounting degree so that I can "do something" with my life? Brian says I can go to school any time I want...but what's the point? I'm gonna be a homeschooling mom when I grow up.

I just want to protect my girls from some of my struggles and heartaches and longings. If being a wife and a mother is the highest calling, why would I even want them to consider engineering or medicine or accounting? Why wouldn't I prepare them for the highest calling? Maybe it's better not to wake the sleeping giant of achievement in their hearts.

I Am An Aunt

In the course of the last few months, I have had very limited contact with my family. I wondered how (or if) I would know when Susie had her baby or if something bad happened to one of my parents. I knew that Susie and Sam's baby was due at the end of this month.

Tonight after Bible study, I had a message from my brother. I haven't spoken to my brother since June when I found out they were expecting and certainly not since I had my talk with Susie. I don't know where they are living or what they are doing. But tonight, my brother, his voice full of pride, called to tell me that I was an aunt and that his son "had everything he should have and nothing he shouldn't". The baby (between the answering machine and the cell phone, I couldn't catch the name, but it wasn't Bocephus Boudreaux) weighed 6 pounds, 14 ounces and was 19 and a half inches long.

And my brother told me that he loved me. Lily has prayed for Sam and Susie and their baby for months now. I am ashamed to admit that I have not been as faithful. I called him back and got his voice mail, but I told him how proud I was and happy for them and to let me know how I could help.

I'm hoping there is restoration in that relationship.

The Root of It All....

I've been following a very interesting discussion on Tom's blog and rather than muddle his blog, I'll post my thoughts here.

I never thought it made any difference. Christian or non-Christian. You decide how many children you want and then you have that many (God willing, of course). Once your perfect family is complete, use any number of available birth control methods to ensure (to the best of your ability) that you don't have any more except through God's divine intervention or forgetfulness. I never thought that one birth control method would be better or worse than another and I never thought how those various methods actually worked either. I only thought that they prevented pregnancy in varying states of permanence and that was the point. At least, it was the only thing I was interested in.

I have always thought that 2 children were plenty. I came from a family with 2 children. I had less fear of a total uprising with an equivalent number of parents and children. We would have an even number of people for rides at Astroworld (which I realize is now deceased). We would have no middle child and thus, no middle child syndrome...everything would be even. (Although, to be completely honest, nothing in my family has ever been even or equal.)

Brian has always had his heart set on 3. He comes from a family of 3 sons and so this seems like a perfect number to him.

And the debate continues. Brian is wise in that he knows not to push me on any particular issue. Pushing any issue will only cause me to run at breakneck speed to the other side. However, time continues to show that I usually come to where I need to be. Cases in point: breastfeeding, being a stay-at-home mom and homeschooling.

I am beginning to see the problem in all this...my feminism. If you had asked me 15 years ago what the course of my life was going to be...it wasn't going to be as a wife and mother. I saw no importance in that whatsoever. Of course, part of that thinking was due to the fact that I strongly believed that I would never find anyone to marry me and that I had been told it was very unlikely that I would ever have children.

I was taught that you had to depend on yourself and be able to take care of yourself.

When I heard men talking about not using birth control, I would get my nose way out of joint. Women, not that I heard very many in my social circle talking about unlimited children, I just thought were nuts. At least the women would actually be carrying the child and taking care of it instead of issuing a directive while going off to the office and talking to people who can talk back.

When I told my mother that Brian wanted 3 and I only wanted 2, she confirmed what I was thinking. He wasn't the one that was going to have to carry it and have it and take care of it. So he didn't get a vote.

And that's the way I was raised and that is the way I think, initially at gut-reaction level. It is my decision how many children to have or whether to work or to homeschool or even to have pink carpet.

Biblically, I know my role is to be the heart of the home. To take care of my husband and my children. To be Brian's helper. Some days I like doing that. Some days, I'd like to leave and never come back. And on those days, I wonder...what about me? I didn't finish college and I still have some aspirations of finishing. Sometimes it makes me feel like a failure. I don't have something that's just mine. Everything I have, I have to share. I wonder if I would have the same selfish attitude to overcome if being able to "take care of myself" hadn't been drilled into my head for as long as I can remember.

With that selfish attitude on my role in this family, is the selfish attitude that I don't want any more of God's blessings, thank you very much. Two are just fine with me. I am just starting to realize how ridiculous that sounds. Why in the world would I want to tell God to keep His blessings? There is no wisdom in that statement. Don't get me wrong, I have good worldly reasons. We are living in a 900 square foot apartment! I have plenty of good reasons to not want more children. I am being convicted HARD CORE on two levels that this way of thinking is wrong, wrong, wrong. One level is the form of birth control we are using. We both feel that this is wrong. This has been on my heart for a while. I have started reading 2 books that addressed this topic in one fashion or another and when I read that part, I put the book back on the shelf. Nope. Not interested in hearing that.

And the second, well, that's the trust issue. I feel like we need to trust God that He will give or not give us what we can handle. I feel certain it says that somewhere in the Bible. Frankly, it's a very simple point, as points go. You know, let God do His thing. One thing that we've been able to tie this to is our feeling of debt and letting God take care of those needs.

Brian and I feel very strongly about not going into any further debt. When we were getting ready to sell the house, we were in a big hurry and had to get a lot of things done that we had intended to get done over time. People were starting to want their money. I told Brian that we needed to get a loan so that we could take care of these immediate needs and then pay off the balance when the house sold. Brian said "no" and we put our faith in God instead of Wells Fargo and everything was taken care of. Only one company asked to be paid at a time. Brian got the moving allowance way ahead of schedule. All these little things happened so that we were able to honor our commitments.

Now. God wants us to put our trust and faith in Him, in all things. In fact, I'm sure I read somewhere that "without faith, it is impossible to please God." He also says things like, "Fear not" and that He will supply all our needs according to His riches in glory. I guess the question is....are we going to trust in God or trust in ourselves? I feel like God is telling me to trust in Him on this particular issue that He's hammering on me. His ways are not our ways and our ways are not His ways. And Brian's thinking is basically, look twice at whatever you're doing that the world agrees with...

My next hot topic is going to be....Should we encourage (or pay for) our daughters to go to college?

The Middle of October

How is it already the middle of October?

They came and replaced the carpet upstairs this week. I got a notice on the door Monday to let me know that it would be done on Tuesday, at some point. This has been so aggravating to me...I feel like the carpet should have been replaced before we moved in because it definitely needed it. The carpet is ugly, to say the least (looks like the contractor's special that my parents' house had when it was built in 1977), but it's better than what it was by leaps and bounds.

In order to get out of the house, I ended up taking the girls to the mall in Fort Worth so I could pick up Darcy's pictures. They turned out so well! I know that I'm partial, but that girl takes some very nice pictures. Of course, I am learning that it has a lot to do with the photographer. We have tried to get Darcy's picture taken in the same dresses that Lily has had her picture taken in. I like to compare them to each other.

Lily's First Birthday


Darcy's First Birthday


And a couple other really cute pictures of Darcy because the photographer was so good:




The last couple of days, Darcy has been running a fever, but no other symptoms. I'm going to assume that it's from teething, but I don't know for sure. I just don't want Lily to get it, if it's not teething. Brian has been sick and the girls, too, but I have managed to escape major illness. I have been feeling so blah lately, I can't describe it. I feel like my head is in a fog and I don't have the energy or the inclination to do much of anything. For a while, I was feeling so good about everything, but lately, I don't care about anything.

I did learn the other day that I can read a magazine while I'm on the tread mill. 20 minutes went by in no time while I was reading Good Housekeeping. If I can read on the tread mill, then maybe I could read on the elliptical...that always seems like the longest 15 minutes of my life.

I'm thinking I need to go find something constructive to do...