Is It Only Wrong to Kill People?

I really want to do vile things to our dog. Things that will cause her to limp for a while, at the very least. I'm not really an animal lover anyway. I tolerate that smelly, poorly behaved mongrel because my husband wanted her and most of the kids seem to like her. But on this day, I have had it. I have had it up to my eyeballs. To the top of my 5'10" frame. To the sky even. I have had it. And it's certainly isn't as if this is the first incident where I wanted to cause bodily injury to her. Not.at.all. I just thought we were past this kind of behavior, that's all.

We got her September of last year when she was 5 months old. For 10 days, she was a great dog. We left her at home, in the house, when we would leave, and she never offered to chew a thing. She always pottied outside, never in the house. She was really a great dog.

Then we had to make a trip to Houston when my mother was ill and dying. We took her on a 6-hour car trip to leave her with my in-laws who kept her in a cage except for a few times a day, for 10 days. In their defense, Pinto had peed in the hall of their house a couple of times and I can see where that would be problem. But in Pinto's defense, their dog had made a toilet of that area long before Pinto arrived and no amount of cleaning could ever get the smell out. So she did what came naturally.

Apparently, Pinto didn't approve of being caged for 10 days straight. When we got home, it was no holds barred. Shoes, books, toys rendered unrecognizable by Pinto. I know that she chewed up at least a dozen pair of the girls' shoes. She would snap and bite at the girls while they were outside playing or knock them down. One afternoon, I returned to find Darcy's Bible turned into confetti on the living room floor along with several other books, that she drug out. She shat on my carpet. She literally chewed a hole in the sheetrock in our bedroom wall and chewed a bookshelf and an exterior door frame. When I put her outside, she barked and howled so much, neighbors we had never met came over to complain.

Instead of taking her directly to the pound, I had an idea. What if we brought in her cage and left her in it whenever we were going to bed or going to be gone? She would be totally unable to do anything but destroy her own bedding. I could live with that so that is what we did. Except I got tired of having her nasty cage in my kitchen. It looked...unkempt. But by the time I got to this point, the weather was cooler so it was safe to move her cage to the garage. As the weather got colder and colder, we started bringing her in at night and she seemed to do fine. Then the weather warmed up and the holes started.

Digging China-deep holes. Everywhere.

Then she had her "heat". I have to say, the only other dog I ever had was fixed early on and I had no idea that this happened. What a mess! I was so grossed out by the licking and the dripping. Blech. I searched the internet for cleaning concoctions. I scrubbed the floor until my fingers were raw and painful. This, in no way, endeared me to the dog. And then finally, the bloodbath was over. She didn't seem as exuberant after her heat. She seemed more docile. She was content to go outside and just lay out there in the grass or on the porch. She would stretch out on the carpet and she didn't seem to be snipping at the girls when they were outside playing. I could tolerate her again.

We left her at a kennel when we needed to travel to Beaumont for a funeral. That man kept several other dogs and Pinto had both an outside and indoor kennel and an opportunity to play outside with the other dogs. This time, when she came home, she didn't terrorize us with her alleged incontinence. She didn't tear up shoes or books. She seemed perfectly fine.

One day, I noticed she wasn't alone in the backyard. She had a friend visiting from the other side of the fence. As it turned out, Pinto was digging holes on this side of the fence that were so large, dogs from another yard were coming over to play. Any hole in the ground (or fence) that was patched or filled, Pinto would just dig another one. It's like the Montagues and the Capulets back there. I've actually wondered if we would have less problems if we got another dog for her to play with, but good grief! We have 4 kids. I don't even want this dog, much less another one.

And here we are, at present. Two weeks ago, Pinto chewed up pieces of Brian's rug. Brian's rug procured in Turkey, while in the Navy. A rug that is probably worth a couple thousand dollars here in the States. A rug Brian loves. I folded the rug up and put it in the closet so Brian wouldn't see it when he got home. I did chasten the dog appropriately, but not to the extent Brian suggested.

And now today, my Hidden Star quilt. I haven't been working on it for 2 years, but it's been 2 years since I started it. I only had the borders to do, and was unsure if I was going to need help. I managed to get the first layer of borders on without any assistance. The second layer is a "piano-key" border pieced together out of fabric already in the quilt that resembles piano keys. Those borders were prepared, but not sewn on yet. Except now, Pinto has ruined several pieces of the piano keys and there are a few holes in the border that is on the quilt. So, now to take apart the borders and replace the ruined sections with material I may not be able find or leave it and hope that it will all work out in the quilting? I'll have to trim off the mangled section of piano keys and prepare more and sew them together.

And I just don't want to do that!

I really want this dog to be someone else's problem besides mine! Although, before we send her to the knackers, I did have Brian bring her kennel back in the house. It's too hot for her to be in the garage. I'm not cruel, even though I'm furious and want her to live somewhere else. Anywhere else. What an impaired person I am...4 small children, and a freaking high maintenance whiny dog. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Anyone want a Catahoula?

PTO: A Rant

Stopping my "One Month" series for the now. It will be a work in progress as I sort through feelings and questions concerning my mother's death.

Today, though, I am feeling strongly about the PTO. In short, I am annoyed. I understand that every week I'm going to receive a notice that I need to send money (or items) for this thing or that. Since the beginning of school, I've paid for lunches, sent 10 pounds of rice for my daughter to make a rice baby she couldn't even carry, apples for a pie. I've been subject to pleas to eat at Cici's one Monday a month because it's her school's night. I've been told (by her) that she "must" dress up for Career Day. I've sent candy for the Halloween carnival and recieved my bingo board-looking thing for the Box Tops. I've prepaid 50 tickets for the Halloween carnival even though I have no idea in the world how far those tickets will go. I know that Jump Rope for Heart is going on and they'd like me to get my friends and neighbors to contribute to this worthy cause. Just this very morning, I wrote a check for school pictures. Last month, I wrote a check for soccer pictures and very soon, I'll be paying for our family pictures. How many pictures/poses must I have at this stage of her life? She's not going to look drastically different from one month to the next, is she? But that is a totally separate rant.

I have even written a check to join the PTO and bought 2 t-shirts: one for me and one for Lily. With the other 3 kids at home, it's nearly impossible for me to volunteer in the classroom on any regular basis. Believe me, they don't need volunteers that bad. I definitely want to be supportive, but my other obligations do put me in a difficult position.

I expected that PTO meetings would take place after school hours so that a maximum number of parents can attend. And do teachers attend these things? Because when I received an email this weekend with meeting information, I began to realize that perhaps this wasn't the organization for me:

Hi Volunteers,

There will be a Oak Woods Carnival meeting on Monday, October 19th at 1pm.

Thank you,
[name omitted]
PTO Volunteer Coordinator K-2

And it's not just this meeting. They are all held during school hours! What if I were a working mother, with a "real" job? Is this how it is? Stay-at-home moms run the PTO and everyone else just tags along? Hmmmm, I'm not sure I'm up for that. I would like to attend the meetings, especially since I've already paid my money, but if they're going be completely inconvenient to me, then I'll just have to read the minutes of the meeting and continue to send the candy, buy the tickets, and do the things that I can do. But I'm annoyed. Seems like just another clique that I'm not a member of....

Further Ranting

I'm just boiling over today, mad at the whole world:

1. This house is freezing. It's insulated terribly with gaps and crevices for the wind to blow through. Everyone dresses in layers at night and has several blankets on their bed.

2. The kitchen is always a mess. I've cleaned it up this morning, but by the time lunch is over, it'll be a mess again. At meals, I am too busy being a waitress to put anything away or even have my own lunch sitting down at the table.

3. Reagan's training cup was MIA last night. Brian and I were very perplexed because it hasn't been known to remove itself from the kitchen of its own accord. This morning I was told it was in the bathroom on the floor behind the shower. Seriously? Why? Why would someone throw a cup on the floor behind the shower where a special effort was needed to reach it?

4. All of the disasters that go on in the bathroom when 2 little girls are supposed to be using the potty and washing their hands. Like the yards of wasted toilet paper on the floor, water everywhere and wet sleeves. With 3 girls and myself, the potential toilet paper usage is huge. I think we're going to go to cloth wipes. I made a quilt. I'm sure I can sew these things together.

5. Little children who stand and scream at each other outside a napping child's room. Why? Why would they do this?

6. Little children who have a new big girl bed and refuse to remain in it without severe, repeated penalties. Her independence is not worth my sanity, is it? Three years old is old enough to be in a real bed, isn't it? THEN WHY WON'T SHE STAY IN IT? Why does she insist on pulling up the rug, and whatever else crosses her mind when she's supposed to be in it?

I'm stopping here because I'm coming up with more and more things and I'm not feeling any better about it. I feel like I'm locked into this situation and there is no escape for years and years. I know that things aren't always going to be this bad, but honestly, I can't see beyond right now. I have a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a one year old. It's going to be like this for a while.

Choosing Joy

It's been a tough day and it's only lunchtime.

There is milk spilled in the kitchen waiting to be cleaned up, my plant is leaking coffee and needs to be cleaned up. The children are clamoring for the next course of their lunch.

The truck needs some work done and Brian is in the middle of an outage, the bane of my existence, and does not have the time or energy to work on it. To that load, add his classes, attending soccer practice so I can work and helping out with Awana.

Everyone has been sick, with fever and runny noses.

Month-end is busy for me and my bookkeeping gig.

Honestly, I could roll into a ball and just spend some time crying on the floor. In fact, I've already spent some time crying over my frustration today, but from now on, I'm going to choose joy. I want to watch the Lord work and see how He gets me through it. I know there is no laundry pile bigger than my Lord. I am here for a purpose and the Lord has a plan. I want to help that plan, not hinder it.

So....here goes. I am choosing joy today. I was inspired seeing another person choose that, too.

Anyone else?

Unmotivated

That's where I've been.

Completely and utterly unmotivated.

I've worked out about 4 times in the last 6 weeks.

Thanksgiving was crummy. Brian was sick and the girls were sick. Then I was sick, the kids were sick and Brian was sick. This week, Brian was out of town and the girls are sick. Darcy actually had a temperature of 105 on Tuesday. I did an admirable job of not panicking. But all that leaves me drained and unmotivated to do anything.

When we moved here, I was gung-ho to meet everyone and do everything. Now, I just want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't really want to do much of anything. I am tired and unfocused and I just don't care.

However on a more positive note, it seems that Lily has been potty trained. I'm actually pretty pleased that she was able to accomplish this. I felt certain I was going to be changing her diaper on her wedding day. Darcy is walking now. I've got one baby using the potty like a big girl and the other one upright and taking steps. I think time is flying by....and I can't say that I approve.

Brian will be out of town next week in Columbus learning new and important information in the world of Concrete. In the meantime, I will be doing...well, I'm not quite sure what I'm going to be doing. Getting ready for our trip, I guess. And doing some holiday baking as well.

Christmas just isn't Christmas unless I make some ugly cookies. Two of the last 4 years, I have tried to recreate the decorated sugar cookies of my youth. My mom used to make (from scratch, of course) sugar cookies that she iced and decorated. Things that have to be rolled out are not my forte and I can't ice anything, cakes included. Brian and I make a great team in that I can bake and he can frost. Except he's not going to be here. One good thing is that I've figured out what my problem is: I don't take my time. If I can manage to slow down and take longer than 30 seconds to do it, it may not come out looking like something Lily made.

However, for any of this to happen, I'm going to have to get motivated. I want to be in a new frame of mind when I start my vacation in 10 days.

Mom's Night Out

Last night, I had set up an impromptu, un-official Mom's Night Out for some of the girls who weren't able to make it to the official one last week. What a disaster! Actually, the whole day was in the toilet from start to finish. The day started out poorly because of migraine and med leftovers in my system from the day before. Darcy refused to drink her cow's milk, either out of a cup or a bottle and I refused to fix formula. So she sat there and cried and I did, too. Poor Lily didn't know what to make of it all. The day just got worse from there.

My truck was supposed to be finished on Tuesday, but wasn't. Same for Wednesday. Finally it was ready late afternoon Thursday, but with Brian working 12+ hours a day, there was no way to pick it up until well after closing time. They were kind enough to bring it by the house so that they could pick up a check and I could finally have transportation. Seems like I feel worse knowing there is no way to escape all the madness.

Brian was supposed to be home in time for me to go out so he could watch the girls. I did fix supper, including making cornbread so it wasn't like he was going to be stuck eating leftovers or something. It kept getting closer and closer to 7pm and he kept not being here....and I couldn't reach him on his cell phone. Finally, at 7:15 I try his desk again and he answers it...I was so furious. My friend was going to leave her daughter with him so that she could go, and now I had to tell her that wasn't going to happen either. She was a much better sport about it than I was, that's for sure. We ended up taking all the kids for our Mom's Night Out which worked out okay because the other mom that was there did manage to escape her children so she took over watching Lily.

Brian finally showed up and took all 3 girls back to the house so we could finish our dinner in peace so he won lots of points for that.

Darcy had her one year check up today...doing well except the fact that she refuses to drink cold milk and refuses to walk. I can't imagine where in the world that girl gets that stubborn streak. I don't think Lily was nearly as stubborn...I don't even know if that's the right word. There are times that Darcy seems to be openly defiant. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her "no" or spank her hand or her fat little thigh, she keeps going right back to it. She's a happy baby...as long as she's getting what she wants. Isn't she a little young to be digging her heels in like this?