Moral Superiority or Why It Might Be Okay Not To Homeschool

One thing I have been convicted of lately is my feeling of moral superiority. You know what I'm mean...the feeling that the decisions we make for ourselves and our families somehow make us morally superior to those who choose differently from us. It is excruciatingly prevalent in the homeschooling community. Many stay-at-home moms suffer from it.

It's the thinking that we have somehow tapped into God's plan and it's the only plan for lives. Not just our own lives, mind you, but all lives, everywhere. It's assuming there is only one way to do things. I don't believe God lives in a box who always does the same thing, in the same way, every time, for the same purpose. And this kind of thinking usually manifests itself in those "gray" areas. Areas in which the Bible may be open for interpretation.

Having felt both sides of the issue, I'm almost certain our moral superiority starts out unintentional which makes it all the more difficult to recognize. It is clearly a heart issue that can easily be exacerbated by segregating ourselves to groups of "like minds" where the eventual, possibly unintended outcome is the complete exclusion of "unlike minds". Where do we go from there?

All that to say, I don't believe everyone should homeschool. I sincerely believe that people who are interested and want to go that distance, should seek God's heart for their family. He can change our hearts; I know that from personal experience. So far, homeschooling feels like running a marathon on a treadmill or something else terrible and never-ending. Starting out is painfully difficult, especially if you don't know anything about teaching children or how they learn. Stuff they teach you at college when you become a teacher. It's not easy because you are inundated with information and resources. It requires a committed conviction and discipline. Maybe that's why we feel morally superior. We feel certain we are getting points up there for our sacrifice when our "sacrifice" is just a different means to the same end. We have freedom in Christ to teach our kids anyway we want.

For our family, though, it does seem like the best route. People certainly get bogged down in the reasoning though. There are numerous reasons and the whys and why nots of it all have already had their day on this blog. The point is that God moves us differently to different things, for different purposes. Even to homeschooling. Especially to homeschooling. Some homeschool because the quality of the education. That's not my reason because I believe an involved parent in the public school process could achieve the same results. I want to protect my children from bad people and bad influences. All the badness, really. But if Amish children who are protected from all infleunces, even VeggieTales, can get gunned down like animals in their one-room schoolhouse, then it's clear I really have no control. But homeschooling lets me feel like I do.

I even think it might be okay for my girls to go to college which is a change of pace from a previous post back in October 2006: Should We Encourage Our Daughters To Go To College? Read that post and you'll see my thinking has done a 180. Brian says education is it's own reward. At the time, I disagreed. Now, I know I want to train my daughters to seek God's voice and direction. I don't want to presume to know God's plan for their lives. I can only attest where He has guided me to and where He has guided me from. I can only carry them so far at which point they become responsible for their own actions. As a parent, not only is it our priority to equip them to make godly decisions by training them in the way they should go, it is our whole raison d'etre. Our families are our primary ministry grounds. But not the only one.

When we speak of training children up, I think a key component gets missed from that oft-repeated verse. In its entirety: Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6. It's easy to miss the part where the child actually goes, but what else could it mean? I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that I did everything I could do to put them on the right path. More importantly, I want God to know it, too. I want to feel confident that they will choose their paths well. In the end, it's up to them. It's naive to think that if I could only follow the checklist, I would get the intended result, and conversely, to believe that Christians who have trouble with their children didn't do enough. Simply put, there is no checklist, and as the saying goes, "past performance is no indicator of future returns." With God, I will never be able to do enough to ensure that our kids turn out godly. Works just can't.don't.won't. cut it. I'm just trying to figure it out and to think I somehow have a lock on it because I read a book, is just moral superiority.

What if, just to shake things up a little, I allow my daughters to seek God's guidance in choosing a husband? Or career? I absolutely want to be an integral part of every part of their lives. But I don't want to live their lives for them. I definitely expect to have input into these very important areas. I do not want to force my choices onto my children. Having made plenty of mistakes up until this point, I feel uniquely qualified to give advice on many topics. I am fostering a relationship now which I hope will encourage them to seek my counsel later. In the meantime, I am teaching them right from wrong and to listen to the Lord's voice.

But I'm not going to feel morally superior because this is the path we've taken. The Lord is showing me that not every issue is black and white.

The list goes on...

I have been incredibly smug in projecting His directions to me onto other people, even if it's only deep in my coal black heart. How presumptous to assume that I know God's best for everyone! If I were honest, I would have to admit that I struggle to know God's best for myself and how that relates to The Big Picture. I have a general idea, but should consult Him on the day-to-day. Lots of times I don't. There have been occasions I didn't even seek God on some of these issues. I heard about something and it sounded pretty good to me. Is is possible as a morally superior Christian, I make things harder on myself than they need to be by choosing difficult, unnecessary roads?

The Bible is clear that we are all differently gifted (check out Romans 12:6) and I know He is a God who is in the details. So why would He do something so plain as to be predictable? If He's anything, God is completely unpredictable, which is part of His charm. Besides, if God's best was the same for everyone, all the time, every time, we would never need to seek Him and that would make Jesus's place in all this, unnecessary. I already know that's not the case. I could just consult the checklist and move on to the next item.

But there is no checklist.

There's only God and only me. And that's it. And in the end, that's all that's going to matter anyway. I have to wonder if some of the benefits of these fine ideas get cashed out in this life when I harbor the sin of moral superiority. Which, after all, is just pride dressed up fancy.

No More Spanking In California?

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070120/ap_on_re_us/spanking_bill

I guess it's only a matter of time before they make doing what's right illegal everywhere.

Should We Encourage Our Daughters To Go To College?

In light of some of my recent thoughts, I have pondered this idea as well. Should we encourage (and pay for) our daughters to go to college? About 18 months ago, Brian and I discussed this and I was appalled at the injustice that the very idea screamed at me. What possible reason in the world could a parent have for not encouraging a girl to further her education? I railed against the injustice. Not that Brian agreed with that idea...he was just throwing it out there. Preposterous, I said. Utterly ridiculous.

But is it?

The biggest hurdle I have to contentedness and joy as a stay-at-home mom is actually accepting the fact that I am a stay-at-home mom with every intention of homeschooling my children. But why? Didn't you get the memo? I'm supposed to be doing "something" with my life. Yes, I know, answering the call of nurturing my family is my highest calling. Somewhere in the back of my head, there are lots of times that I feel like that is what I have to do because I didn't finish my education. Had I finished, I could be doing something really rewarding. I could be doing something that I really like (like accounting) instead of something that most days just drives me to distraction. I know that if I were in a high rise somewhere counting beans, I would be missing huge, key moments in my daughters' lives and I would be singing the sad song that working mothers sing.

So every day I fight with myself and I guess my point in all of this is...what if I'd been taught from birth on that raising a family was the greatest honor and joy for a woman? Would I still have this struggle inside of me to break free and run screaming to the university to get my accounting degree so that I can "do something" with my life? Brian says I can go to school any time I want...but what's the point? I'm gonna be a homeschooling mom when I grow up.

I just want to protect my girls from some of my struggles and heartaches and longings. If being a wife and a mother is the highest calling, why would I even want them to consider engineering or medicine or accounting? Why wouldn't I prepare them for the highest calling? Maybe it's better not to wake the sleeping giant of achievement in their hearts.

Mom's Night Out

Last night, I had set up an impromptu, un-official Mom's Night Out for some of the girls who weren't able to make it to the official one last week. What a disaster! Actually, the whole day was in the toilet from start to finish. The day started out poorly because of migraine and med leftovers in my system from the day before. Darcy refused to drink her cow's milk, either out of a cup or a bottle and I refused to fix formula. So she sat there and cried and I did, too. Poor Lily didn't know what to make of it all. The day just got worse from there.

My truck was supposed to be finished on Tuesday, but wasn't. Same for Wednesday. Finally it was ready late afternoon Thursday, but with Brian working 12+ hours a day, there was no way to pick it up until well after closing time. They were kind enough to bring it by the house so that they could pick up a check and I could finally have transportation. Seems like I feel worse knowing there is no way to escape all the madness.

Brian was supposed to be home in time for me to go out so he could watch the girls. I did fix supper, including making cornbread so it wasn't like he was going to be stuck eating leftovers or something. It kept getting closer and closer to 7pm and he kept not being here....and I couldn't reach him on his cell phone. Finally, at 7:15 I try his desk again and he answers it...I was so furious. My friend was going to leave her daughter with him so that she could go, and now I had to tell her that wasn't going to happen either. She was a much better sport about it than I was, that's for sure. We ended up taking all the kids for our Mom's Night Out which worked out okay because the other mom that was there did manage to escape her children so she took over watching Lily.

Brian finally showed up and took all 3 girls back to the house so we could finish our dinner in peace so he won lots of points for that.

Darcy had her one year check up today...doing well except the fact that she refuses to drink cold milk and refuses to walk. I can't imagine where in the world that girl gets that stubborn streak. I don't think Lily was nearly as stubborn...I don't even know if that's the right word. There are times that Darcy seems to be openly defiant. It doesn't matter how many times you tell her "no" or spank her hand or her fat little thigh, she keeps going right back to it. She's a happy baby...as long as she's getting what she wants. Isn't she a little young to be digging her heels in like this?

My Opinion

First of all...I'm about as surprised as I can be about the influx of comments on this particular topic, especially from people that I had no idea were readers. However, there are still some regular readers that haven't commented and I am very interested in hearing your opinions. (You know who you are.) Please don't refrain from comment because you feel this is now too hostile an environment.

I already knew that people feel strongly whether to homeschool or not and that was reiterated time and time again. People always feel strongly where their children are concerned and I am no exception. But I do not completely agree with any of you. And by "you", I even mean my own husband. It's no big leap to say that my opinion has changed recently and changed very drastically. To be completely honest, I know I would have never come to this conclusion if we hadn't moved here.

Believers are called to be a light to the world and bring people to the Lord. I firmly believe that this directive from Christ applies to children that are saved as well. How are we going to make a difference for Jesus if everywhere we go is bright and we are constantly surrounded by other Believers? Wives that stay home and homeschool their children aren't getting much time to spread the Word. We are surrounded by our children demanding our attention, surrounded by other Believers when we go to our homeschooling co-ops and our church groups and our Mom's Night Out organized by other Believers. A child can share the joy of knowing Jesus, too. Thank the Lord that Jesus didn't just socialize with his disciples and call it a day. Thank God that He saw fit to talk to the woman at the well and hang out with the lepers and the sinners, as well as other Believers. We are called to be Christ-like and there is nothing more Christ-like than loving other people, the unsaved and the saved, even when it's messy for us. That's what draws people to Christ. Being different. People can get condemnation and finger-pointing in the world. Christians are to be different.

Don't get me wrong. There was a time (about 10 days ago) when I was very pro-homeschooling. I thought that I needed to be the primary influence in their life because I thought that I could successfully protect them from every evil. If God can protect us and keep us safe in every other situation, then why can't we entrust our children to Him as well? I think if we address the idea of a heart change and not robotic obedience because of fear of punishment, our children will thrive and be a light, no matter where they go to school.

But my husband disagrees wtih me...greatly. You might even call it vehemently. It's not that it's a major issue right now (although it certainly feels like it) since our oldest daughter is just barely 2 years old. I can see one of two things happening here. Either we get on the same page and come to a decision, or this becomes a lesson in submission for me. I'm praying that we get on the same page because those submission lessons are never fun.