Contentedness v. More Discipline

I believe I have finally come to the crux.

My husband assures me that I am not a failure every single day, all day, as I believe. I made him promise which in this house means you cannot lie. Period.

But I look around and see all the things I know need to be done and don't get done. Except monitoring my children in some meaningful way makes doing things even in the next room difficult with their blood-curdling screams piercing me like a needle to my brain. I do not tolerate that well. Mama doesn't really like a lot of noise. The general, run-of-the-mill housekeeping does not get done regularly until I am completely sick of it. That takes a long time. In order for me to be effective at home and clean well, I need to be alone, or at least mostly so.

I do "waste" a lot of time doing what I am doing now. Absorbing myself in my online universe where some people have better lives than me, others have worse, some people have great ideas, or I just find something fascinating and I Follow.That.Rabbit!

Needless to say, I feel much guilt about the state of my affairs.

But is this guilt justified?

Am I being convicted of a lack of discipline?

Is it okay to not get laundry done again? Not cook supper again? Not do school again? Not to read my Bible again?

Do I need to develop more discipline or learn to be content with what I can manage?

Season Of Life

I am feeling bogged down by this season of life. Life as a stay-at-home mom with 3 little ones. Having 3 children under 4 years old is so different and difficult. I don't think a lot of people understand what it's like. I was just remarking the other night to Brian that I cannot imagine how much time I'm going to have when my children can ready themselves for the day. I know I spend at least an hour every morning just getting them ready by dressing them, washing faces, brushing teeth, fixing hair and preparing breakfast. And that doesn't include feeding Reagan. That's an additional 20 -25 minutes.

I am frustrated because I can start at 5am and never get everything done that "needs" to be done.

I try diligently to get up when Brian leaves for work which is usually between 5-5:30am. Do other stay-at-home moms do this? My dad thought I had a screw loose when I told him what time I get up. If I don't get up before everyone else, I don't get a chance to take a shower. I don't get a chance to read my Bible and I don't get a chance to exercise. Doing those things are very important to set the tone for my day. But I don't want to get up that early.

I am definitely having a difficult time keeping up with everything that should be done. I can tell you the last time the kitchen floor was mopped (last month), but it really needs it at least once a week. (Toddlers are messy eaters.) I can't tell you the last time the wood was mopped and as a result, there are dust dinosaurs lurking everywhere. Keeping the house clean and supervising the girls are activities that are just at odds with each other. The activities that I have for them to do are losing their appeal and they spend a lot of time getting in trouble because they are bored. I just don't know what to do with them that is new and exciting and will keep them stimulated. Especially table-type activities.

I am a fan of FlyLady, and her method of doing things is helpful. But with 3 young children, I am just having a hard time making it work. Which makes me feel like a failure. Every day I look at the wood and realize it needs to be mopped desperately, but I just can't seem to get to it.

How do other people do it? I know I can't be the only one who has these struggles. Lily is getting bigger and bigger and is able to help more. She is able to almost completely dress herself and can make her bed. She can use the potty and wash her hands with a minimal amount of supervision.

Some people might say that I am being too hard on myself or that I am expecting too much of myself. But is it too much to ask that the floors have some attention more often than every six months? When Brian is home on the weekends, the last thing I want to do is spend all weekend at home. Of course, after he's been working all week, he'd like to spend some time at home. I don't know if my problem is a lack of contentment or boredom or what.

I live with a huge measure of guilt all the time. If the laundry gets piled up, I feel guilty. If Brian helps me by doing the laundry, I feel guilty that he has to help. Isn't that my job? I shouldn't need any help. I'm a failure.

Today, Lily didn't have any clean panties because I am behind on laundry. You can bet I felt like a huge failure. I can't even manage to keep the laundry done. As for me, no shower today so far because Brian went into work late this morning so I woke up when I heard Reagan. It's time for her to eat again and Lily is still waiting for her panties (that are in the dryer) so she is still in her nightgown. The kitchen is a mess from yesterday and I really don't want to have to go mess with.

I don't want to feel like I'm on autopilot all the time, but I feel like I am a hamster on a wheel with all of these activities. Laundry is never completely done. The kitchen is never completely clean and there always seems to be a meal to prepare. Oh, and to add to it, Brian and I haven't had a real date in about 6 months, maybe more. No babysitter.

I really could go on and on, but I think I'll stop. However, lest it seem like I am just complaining, I am open to suggestions. Real suggestions for activities or schedule changes or something. This is a cry for help.

Family-Integrated Churches

Here is another opportunity to share your heart. Someone is asking about the benefit of family-integrated churches:

Home Churches Anyone?

I know that I don't know all the ins and outs of it all, but would be interested in hearing more information.