Parenting Outside the Box

We used to be very punitive. Poor Lily. That child got a spanking if she took her barrette out of her hair. If she took off her shoes. If she resisted getting into the car seat. If she did anything we didn't want her to do. Anything. At the time, that seemed appropriate. We had an us versus them mentality. Children were to obey their parents. Clearly, we needed to punish for disobedience. So we did.

Then Darcy came along. And some point, it just felt like we were spanking her literally, all the time. She was so hard-headed. So unrepentant, it seemed, that we just kept on spanking her. Except what those books said would happen, didn't. She wasn't thankful for our correction. It didn't bring us closer. No way would that child lay still and "take" a spanking. It was UFC to give her a spanking. My heart started feeling burdened about the number of spankings we were giving and how they were not working. I started questioning the brand of parenting we had been using which was hard because we basically loved the results we had in one child, and couldn't figure out what we were doing wrong in another child.

What we didn't realize until later was the results we loved in Lily, were only the result of her deep-seated need to self-preserve. Not really what we intended at all. She didn't see the problem with disobeying Daddy's rules when he was at work because he "wouldn't know".

For years we have struggled with issues like this. Wanting to do the right thing, but really having a hard time knowing what that would be and what it would look like in this family. What a hard lesson for me to learn. Kids and families are not cookie cutouts. Even if my kids are (which they aren't), I most certainly am not. Most people would not describe me as warm or open or even sweet. I laughed recently when a friend actually admitted to telling someone else I was "sweet". She thinks I'm "closet sweet". Learning that there is not a one-size-fits-all answer to ANY problem is something I'm trying to keep in mind when I hear people managing their lives in a way that's different from what I would do.

A couple of days ago, I managed a bedtime/naptime issue very differently than I ever have before. I still have children who need a nap, but are at an age where they can just play around for a few hours and then naptime is over and they didn't have to take one. Bedtime is a battle. Up and down, up and down. Thirsty, need to potty, wants hugs and kisses. A nearly imperceptible injury. Scared. Et cetera. We might handle this variety of ways. We might spank them and hope that would settle them down enough to go to sleep. Maybe we would make them stay in their bed until they actually took a nap. None of these solutions were ever consistently effective. But Sunday, I went another way. Instead of trying to keep them in bed, I let them out.

I told them we were going to stay up and not go to bed! When the other kids went to bed and they were able to stay up, it hardly seemed like a punishment. Seemed like fun! Then 11pm came and our little people started getting cranky and whiny and heavy-lidded. Every few minutes, I would ask in a loud voice, "You guys aren't going to sleep yet, are you? We can't have that!" We finally let Darcy go to bed at midnight and Lily at 1245am. People who don't want to go to sleep, don't have to! Surprisingly enough, naptime and bedtime on Monday went off without a hitch. It just took a small reminder from Mom that if they weren't ready to go to bed, they could always stay up with me. I like staying up late!

Consequences of actions seem to have a better result than punishment. It takes me out of the middle and makes them responsible for their actions. This can only help them as they get older. I'd much rather my children pay a smaller price now and learn lessons than to pay a higher price later.

Is It Only Wrong to Kill People?

I really want to do vile things to our dog. Things that will cause her to limp for a while, at the very least. I'm not really an animal lover anyway. I tolerate that smelly, poorly behaved mongrel because my husband wanted her and most of the kids seem to like her. But on this day, I have had it. I have had it up to my eyeballs. To the top of my 5'10" frame. To the sky even. I have had it. And it's certainly isn't as if this is the first incident where I wanted to cause bodily injury to her. Not.at.all. I just thought we were past this kind of behavior, that's all.

We got her September of last year when she was 5 months old. For 10 days, she was a great dog. We left her at home, in the house, when we would leave, and she never offered to chew a thing. She always pottied outside, never in the house. She was really a great dog.

Then we had to make a trip to Houston when my mother was ill and dying. We took her on a 6-hour car trip to leave her with my in-laws who kept her in a cage except for a few times a day, for 10 days. In their defense, Pinto had peed in the hall of their house a couple of times and I can see where that would be problem. But in Pinto's defense, their dog had made a toilet of that area long before Pinto arrived and no amount of cleaning could ever get the smell out. So she did what came naturally.

Apparently, Pinto didn't approve of being caged for 10 days straight. When we got home, it was no holds barred. Shoes, books, toys rendered unrecognizable by Pinto. I know that she chewed up at least a dozen pair of the girls' shoes. She would snap and bite at the girls while they were outside playing or knock them down. One afternoon, I returned to find Darcy's Bible turned into confetti on the living room floor along with several other books, that she drug out. She shat on my carpet. She literally chewed a hole in the sheetrock in our bedroom wall and chewed a bookshelf and an exterior door frame. When I put her outside, she barked and howled so much, neighbors we had never met came over to complain.

Instead of taking her directly to the pound, I had an idea. What if we brought in her cage and left her in it whenever we were going to bed or going to be gone? She would be totally unable to do anything but destroy her own bedding. I could live with that so that is what we did. Except I got tired of having her nasty cage in my kitchen. It looked...unkempt. But by the time I got to this point, the weather was cooler so it was safe to move her cage to the garage. As the weather got colder and colder, we started bringing her in at night and she seemed to do fine. Then the weather warmed up and the holes started.

Digging China-deep holes. Everywhere.

Then she had her "heat". I have to say, the only other dog I ever had was fixed early on and I had no idea that this happened. What a mess! I was so grossed out by the licking and the dripping. Blech. I searched the internet for cleaning concoctions. I scrubbed the floor until my fingers were raw and painful. This, in no way, endeared me to the dog. And then finally, the bloodbath was over. She didn't seem as exuberant after her heat. She seemed more docile. She was content to go outside and just lay out there in the grass or on the porch. She would stretch out on the carpet and she didn't seem to be snipping at the girls when they were outside playing. I could tolerate her again.

We left her at a kennel when we needed to travel to Beaumont for a funeral. That man kept several other dogs and Pinto had both an outside and indoor kennel and an opportunity to play outside with the other dogs. This time, when she came home, she didn't terrorize us with her alleged incontinence. She didn't tear up shoes or books. She seemed perfectly fine.

One day, I noticed she wasn't alone in the backyard. She had a friend visiting from the other side of the fence. As it turned out, Pinto was digging holes on this side of the fence that were so large, dogs from another yard were coming over to play. Any hole in the ground (or fence) that was patched or filled, Pinto would just dig another one. It's like the Montagues and the Capulets back there. I've actually wondered if we would have less problems if we got another dog for her to play with, but good grief! We have 4 kids. I don't even want this dog, much less another one.

And here we are, at present. Two weeks ago, Pinto chewed up pieces of Brian's rug. Brian's rug procured in Turkey, while in the Navy. A rug that is probably worth a couple thousand dollars here in the States. A rug Brian loves. I folded the rug up and put it in the closet so Brian wouldn't see it when he got home. I did chasten the dog appropriately, but not to the extent Brian suggested.

And now today, my Hidden Star quilt. I haven't been working on it for 2 years, but it's been 2 years since I started it. I only had the borders to do, and was unsure if I was going to need help. I managed to get the first layer of borders on without any assistance. The second layer is a "piano-key" border pieced together out of fabric already in the quilt that resembles piano keys. Those borders were prepared, but not sewn on yet. Except now, Pinto has ruined several pieces of the piano keys and there are a few holes in the border that is on the quilt. So, now to take apart the borders and replace the ruined sections with material I may not be able find or leave it and hope that it will all work out in the quilting? I'll have to trim off the mangled section of piano keys and prepare more and sew them together.

And I just don't want to do that!

I really want this dog to be someone else's problem besides mine! Although, before we send her to the knackers, I did have Brian bring her kennel back in the house. It's too hot for her to be in the garage. I'm not cruel, even though I'm furious and want her to live somewhere else. Anywhere else. What an impaired person I am...4 small children, and a freaking high maintenance whiny dog. Not exactly what I had in mind.

Anyone want a Catahoula?

Calm

For the last 6 years, I have either been pregnant or with a young baby. This time last year, I was very pregnant and begging my doctor to take this baby EARLY, when I still had several weeks left. It seemed we could never go forward in our lives because we were always starting over with a new baby.

But more often these days, even in the midst of complete and utter chaos, I get the occasional feeling of calmness, because we are moving forward. No more babies to start over with; no more pregnant days. Ever. And I'm really glad for it, too. I am definitely not a person who enjoys being pregnant, and that is an understatement.

I am really enjoying the fact that the kids are getting older even though I feel like I manage them relatively well at home. I really don't like to take them all anywhere all together, even though it can be done. At this point in time, I have 2 kids with strep throat and raging fevers. Trying to keep them separate from the "well" group, while taking care of them, is rather difficult. I feel like I'm going from one fire to the next. As I sit here, it's nearly noon and lunch will be required soon, I am committed to make a lasagna today for a family who has recently experienced a devastating loss, the kitchen needs to be cleaned up from dinner last night [must be done before I can cook a single thing!], and I have a 4-page layout that must be completed for my scrapbooking class on Friday. Oh, and laundry. The ever-constant. It seems the idea of keeping the house clean is a complete joke. I am too busy keeping children alive.

To add to my list, I'm in training for the 3-Day in November and will begin my internship for the ombudsman program next week. I have quilting projects I'd like to work on and perhaps even finish(!), and I'm coming into the phase of my life where I might like to enjoy my family, instead of feeling worked to death...

And I honestly think it's completely due to my knowledge that the baby train is an idea whose time has come. And I am relieved.

Mid-Way Through May

Last weekend with Auntie Jo was great, even though I was completely unprepared.

Recital portraits were taken, for the most part. (A couple of costume snafus...will still have to do one set of retakes, after the recital.) The experience wasn't so terrible that I'm giving up on dance, and I know my girls are pleased. Of course, they may not have known their dance futures were in jeopardy. Reagan isn't in the recital, and going to the dance studio and not allowing her to go in, well, she just dissolved into a bawling fit. Broke Brian's heart. Made Mama sad, too. Guess we won't be leaving her out of recitals again.

Darcy didn't make it to her soccer game, but Brian and the kids (less Lily) did make it in time to deliver snacks. Yea, Darcy's Dad! Those kids play for snacks, for sure. I was at home, trying to inhale lunch and get Lily ready for her portraits. Good grief that girl has a lot of hair! There were a lot less girls in the afternoon and Lily had fewer costumes. With impeccable timing, Auntie Jo didn't arrive until after Lily was done and we were on our way home. To Lily's great delight, she didn't have to take a nap as we went to pick up Auntie Jo at her fabulous B&B and then on to the grocery store to pick up some drinks and snacks.

Brian and I got a break after dinner when Auntie Jo bathed all the girls and put them to bed. *sigh* How can someone without kids be so amazing with them? On Sunday, she took them to McDonalds while Brian and I went to the grocery store. As I put the groceries away, I actually allowed her to sweep the kitchen. For some reason, it'd didn't feel as bad as I thought it would. Girls took a late nap because we were planning on a late dinner in Fort Worth. Then she left on Monday after a leisurely lunch at a new place here in town. I didn't cook a single thing all weekend.

This past weekend was the first weekend that we didn't have something planned. Soccer season is over; the outage is over. It was really nice to not have anything planned on Saturday. Well, I had something planned on Saturday. Although, to hear the details of that adventure, you're gonna have to check the other blog....

Wasting Time....

Tomorrow starts an incredibly busy weekend for me. My dear friend who I recently went to visit is coming to visit us and I really should be fumigating, scouring, chiseling, hanging up pictures, etc., etc. Visiting her home is a visit to an oasis where it is quiet, peaceful and clean. She always has a drink at the ready and there is no schedule or demands.

Here, it is quite different. I know she's not coming for peace and order. She has that in droves at her beautiful home with the perfectly landscaped yard and the sparkling pool. Here, we thrive, or at least work with our version of carefully controlled chaos. Saturday will find us with recital dance portraits with 2 girls, with hair and makeup to do, and 5 costume changes between the 2 of them. Oh, and Darcy has a soccer game right smack in the middle. It is the last game of the season and we are on snack patrol. Nothing at all calming or relaxing about this day.

Tomorrow is Moms and Muffins or some such thing at Lily's school and then begins my first training session for my Ombudsman program. You know, the volunteer role I am undertaking to insure the local nursing homed elderly aren't exploited. I am really looking forward to it. It's going to be 15 hours of training and then about 15 hours of interning and then I will be in an official capacity.

Tomorrow night, I am teaching my scrapbooking group and I am thrilled to report that the layout is prepared, the card samples are prepared and the kits are prepared. I am actually prepared ahead of time. And I do mean the traditionally accepted definition of the word prepared. This is unusual, but predictably, it is liberating. I may try to be prepared again some time in the future for some other thing.

I hate that my distance/training widget has a big fat zero on it! I really did start my training back in January, and I loved getting my mojo on. I was feeling empowered. Healthy. On a track to be fabulous. Then I got sick. And sick again. Then the kids got sick. And were in the hospital. Then we were sick again. So of course, I stopped going to the gym. Of course, I did. And I haven't been back. But now, I've got my new blog started, my participant page is up and ready, and I am six months out. Training has to begin now so that I don't die.

I have a mini-mileage widget on this blog but on my Adventure blog, I'll actually be chronicling my journey. I'm getting excited...

But I really should be getting prepared for the weekend. I have no idea about making up little girls. The Little People have been running the house today so it's probably time for me to take back the reins. I need a trip to the grocery store and a trip to the gym so that silly tracker can stop with the big fat zero. As crazy as it's going to be, I'm ready for the weekend to start.

Gone And Done It

For the 2nd time ever, I have signed up for the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure. A 60 mile walk over 3 days for the fight against breast cancer. Sixty miles. Walking. With my feet. In whatever weather. In November. November weather in North Texas could be anything. Sleeping in tents on the ground and showering in the back of 18-wheelers. I couldn't make this stuff up. I've registered twice now, but this will be my first time to actually participate. Before, in 2007, I just knew I wasn't going to be the kind of person who could walk 60 miles over 3 days, while 9 months pregnant. Reagan was born just 3 weeks after the event.

No worries this time.

I am in it to finish. And I am chronicling my journey to adventure.

So, today....

• I updated my Participant Page with what I hope are words to inspire many people to donate many dollars.
• I have composed what those in the know call my "donation letter", which I plan to send to everyone I know. This details as plainly I can manage why I have signed up for what is most assuredly the most difficult thing I have knowingly undertaken. (Motherhood does not count. I had no idea what I was getting into there!) And it's funny...my reasons for doing it this year are completely different from the reason I wanted to do it last time.
• I have created a new blog, 3-Day Fitness Adventure, to chronicle my progress, from can to cain't. Go there! Bookmark this site. I am doing important stuff here and you don't want to miss a single blister or heat rash.

Visit the new blog. Be a friend! Look for us on Facebook. Tell your friends. Give me some space on your own blog. Pass me along. Direct some traffic my way. Even if all you can muster is a little solidarity. Encouragement to press on when the Dog Days of August come nigh will be appreciated.

Breast cancer affects us all.

Just As Busy

I realize that I tend to write in my blog when I am at the end. The final straw when I can't even complain to Brian any more. Not that Brian wants to hear the complaints during the day anyway. He of the compartmentalized brain. So I write. I get it out and sound pathetic. I know I feel pathetic. But it does tide me over until the next time.

I am feeling better even though my life is just as busy as it has been:

• I take Lily to school every day by 7:40am. When I follow my "schedule", I usually get her there by 7:30am. A huge accomplishment. Of course, it has taken me a whole year to figure out how the morning has to go in order to get it done. She has to have her backpack, her folder signed (even though the teacher never writes a single thing in it), be appropriately dressed for weather, presentably groomed and fed. Like her mother, Lily is hard to wake up, slow to get moving and cranky in the morning. She would rather sleep. Except of course, on Saturdays, when she could sleep in, but doesn't.
• When we arrive back home, the other 3 children (and the stupid dog) want their breakfasts. Reagan and Darcy start out at each other's throats and it does not stop until one of them is in bed. Reagan requires more sleep and is usually back in bed for a morning nap no later than 9:30am. That goes for Bubba. That just leaves me and Darcy.
• I try to stay on top of laundry. Day-by-day, it is completely doable. Some days I am very accomplished and even manage to iron the few things that may have ended up in the laundry. I feel like I am on top of the world on those days. I do set my timer lots of times a la FlyLady and that really helps me stay on task, especially when I am doing something I don't want to do. That technique did help me to organize my out-of-order, overwhelming closet over a period of a few days by working for 20 minutes at a time.
• Then there's lunch for 3 little people again. Bubba doesn't really like baby food. He either nurses or eats big people food. I try to clean up the kitchen as I go from meals, but it's hard because someone is always demanding my attention, or I'm trying to do something else.
• Pick up Lily. Picking up is worse than dropping off. No matter what time I get there, I'm going to be waiting in line for 15 minutes. I have learned to accept it. Not really. I just know there isn't anything that can be done about it. Most of the time, she is not glad to see me. She wanted someone else to pick her up. As if I want to sit in the truck for 15 minutes (or more) and wait while listening to Reagan and Darcy literally arguing about the color of the sky.
• Back home and make everyone go to bed. All the people must lie (lay?) down for a nap after school. Every.single.day someone asks if they can "go all day and not take a snooze". And the answer is always no. I can tell within 2 minutes of Lily in the car that Miss Fussypants needs a nap if she wants to continue living in the same world as me. As usual, Lily is next to impossible to wake up after nap.
• On Monday, this schedule is suspended because my girls become Dancing Girls and someone is taking a dance class from 2:45pm until 4:30pm. I usually make them lay (lie?) down when we get home anyway.

Most nights, my husband does prefer I cook dinner. Lots of times dinner doesn't even cross my mind until about 3:30 and then I remain confused as to what I'm going to do. I really don't want to do anything. I want to live in a world where I am not the party responsible for making the menu, buying the groceries, cooking the food or the majority of the time, cleaning it up.

I haven't mentioned the fact that we are in outage right now which means my husband who usually works 4-10s is now working 6 or 7-12s. He's not around to get help get the kids up, loaded and unloaded at Saturday morning soccer games. Or Sunday morning church. I am finding I am much more capable than I give myself credit. But I am totally lazy.

I haven't mentioned trying to keep my Close To My Heart business afloat when I never allot time to work on it or even prepare very well for my classes. I always wait until the last minute and then I am very sad and unprepared. My creative process is very time consuming. Living on the edge is no way to live.

I have recently signed up to become an ombudsman for nursing home residents in my area. I begin my training next month to be certified by the state as an advocate for the elderly. I really don't have time, but I think this kind of work would be wonderful for me. I think I would really be good at it. I have even signed up to be a part of the homebound ministry at our church. This is not a ministry that gets a lot of press like nursery duty or Awana verse-listeners, but I think it is every bit as important. I am just waiting for the outage to be over so I can go back to my regularly scheduled life.

And next weekend, I am going to see Auntie Jo. Alone. With no kids. Not even Bubba. *sigh* That's going to be da bomb diggity. Feel free to be so jealous.

So, definitely busy, but better.