A blog I follow had an interesting post recently whether or not Christian women were "allowed" to share marital issues with each other. I thought Compassion, A Gift We Ought To Give Each Other offered some good points.
That was powerful. And convicting. It is hard to draw the line sometimes between, "My husband can be such an a*#", and "My husband's behavior is hurtful and I need help". Therefore, it is wise to find a supportive group of Christian women who know your heart, and better yet, know God's heart. Or at least one or two friends that love you enough to point you in the right direction, even if it's not what you want to hear. Thanks for sending me that way. The writer has a great style and sense of humor, using wit and clear information to make valid points. I'll have to look her up again.
Great post...thanks for linking to it : ) Good food for thought, for sure. I'll try to think "out loud" via typing.
I can weigh in on what I've learned about this very exact topic of sharing marital issues with other women.
Right now, in this time of my life, I have two regular accountability partners and one close, life long friend with whom I share most everything, including marriage junk. These three gals know the nitty gritty of my deepest struggles, and a lot of my man's struggles as they affect me. I definitely don't share all his business, but if it's going to be a struggle for me to deal with, they support me with prayer, scriptures, books, encouragement, etc. The desire of my heart is not to tear down my husband or to make others feel sorry for my plight with a "woe is me, look what he did today" type of complaining. Rather, the desire of my heart is a deeper, stronger marriage that honors the Lord. Also, that I might be a woman who honors the Lord within my marriage...sometimes I need some support and encouragement to do that.
Use to (way back in 2009), I had a few friends and they also knew the nitty gritty of my deepest struggles, and a lot of my man's struggles. I still didn't share all his business, but if it affected me, I probably shared it. I did desire a stronger marriage, but I thought that had to begin with him. I also wanted pity from friends when they heard my complaints. I wanted support and encouragement while I waited on him to become a better man, a better husband. I was very disrespectful towards him in private and in public, and I had a lot of pride in my heart about how good I was and how he needed to change.
The change that happened with me is not that I keep all my marriage issues in the dark in order to protect him. It's that I share in the setting of accountability with the women encouraging me to act appropriately. Sometimes that means airing his dirty laundry and pushing him toward holiness. Most of the times, even if he's wrong, I have to adjust my heart and allow the Lord to work on me. I no longer "own" the responsibility for making him a better person. I simply have to take my hands off the work the Lord is doing. He uses me sometimes, yes. But only uses me...I'm not doing the work. God is doing a great work in me as well and I can easily look back and see how my pride and ego and critical spirit have gravely damaged our marriage, probably even more so than his own sins that he kept hidden. I'm just thankful for a forgiving man.
Guess my (long) input is that yes, we must share our marriage issues at times because we need help, support, encouragement, and prayers. But we must first search our hearts and discover the motive behind sharing. Is it complaining? Is it to seek pity? Do I think things would be better if he ______? If so, probably better keep my mouth shut. If my motive is to seek encouragement and support so I can honor the Lord with my own actions in dealing with an issue, etc, then I start talking.
2 comments:
That was powerful. And convicting. It is hard to draw the line sometimes between, "My husband can be such an a*#", and "My husband's behavior is hurtful and I need help". Therefore, it is wise to find a supportive group of Christian women who know your heart, and better yet, know God's heart. Or at least one or two friends that love you enough to point you in the right direction, even if it's not what you want to hear. Thanks for sending me that way. The writer has a great style and sense of humor, using wit and clear information to make valid points. I'll have to look her up again.
Great post...thanks for linking to it : ) Good food for thought, for sure. I'll try to think "out loud" via typing.
I can weigh in on what I've learned about this very exact topic of sharing marital issues with other women.
Right now, in this time of my life, I have two regular accountability partners and one close, life long friend with whom I share most everything, including marriage junk. These three gals know the nitty gritty of my deepest struggles, and a lot of my man's struggles as they affect me. I definitely don't share all his business, but if it's going to be a struggle for me to deal with, they support me with prayer, scriptures, books, encouragement, etc. The desire of my heart is not to tear down my husband or to make others feel sorry for my plight with a "woe is me, look what he did today" type of complaining. Rather, the desire of my heart is a deeper, stronger marriage that honors the Lord. Also, that I might be a woman who honors the Lord within my marriage...sometimes I need some support and encouragement to do that.
Use to (way back in 2009), I had a few friends and they also knew the nitty gritty of my deepest struggles, and a lot of my man's struggles. I still didn't share all his business, but if it affected me, I probably shared it. I did desire a stronger marriage, but I thought that had to begin with him. I also wanted pity from friends when they heard my complaints. I wanted support and encouragement while I waited on him to become a better man, a better husband. I was very disrespectful towards him in private and in public, and I had a lot of pride in my heart about how good I was and how he needed to change.
The change that happened with me is not that I keep all my marriage issues in the dark in order to protect him. It's that I share in the setting of accountability with the women encouraging me to act appropriately. Sometimes that means airing his dirty laundry and pushing him toward holiness. Most of the times, even if he's wrong, I have to adjust my heart and allow the Lord to work on me. I no longer "own" the responsibility for making him a better person. I simply have to take my hands off the work the Lord is doing. He uses me sometimes, yes. But only uses me...I'm not doing the work. God is doing a great work in me as well and I can easily look back and see how my pride and ego and critical spirit have gravely damaged our marriage, probably even more so than his own sins that he kept hidden. I'm just thankful for a forgiving man.
Guess my (long) input is that yes, we must share our marriage issues at times because we need help, support, encouragement, and prayers. But we must first search our hearts and discover the motive behind sharing. Is it complaining? Is it to seek pity? Do I think things would be better if he ______? If so, probably better keep my mouth shut. If my motive is to seek encouragement and support so I can honor the Lord with my own actions in dealing with an issue, etc, then I start talking.
So anyways, that's me : )
Love, Tricia
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