Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Seasons

I'm sitting here, watching a big snowfall for at least the third time this season. It's predicted we'll receive 4-6 inches this morning. I wish I didn't have to get out, but Bubba has an appointment in Fort Worth this afternoon, Lily needs to be picked up and Reagan needs to have her glasses replaced. It seems I always have to go out when I'd just rather stay in bed and do nothing.

Except lately, there's not much else I'd rather do than stay in bed. I don't feel....right. I'm tired and melancholy all the time. More short-tempered than usual and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I don't seem to have the motivation to even do the things I like to do. In the last 3 weeks, we have been to the pediatrician's office at least 10 times, with 2 trips to the emergency room. I have been to the doctor twice myself.

The clean laundry is piled up on the couch, there are 2 piles of dirty clothes on the floor in the living room and the washer and dryer are both full right now. When was the last time any routine housecleaning was done? The kitchen is in desperate need of being cleaned and here I sit. Watching it snow.

I guess I'm in a "hard season". I really hate there's a label for this. It should make me feel better, you know, knowing others have been here, but it doesn't. How long does this season last? Until my last kid is potty trained? In school? In college? Married? I feel like things have been hard for a while, but I don't see any end to it. I wonder if I've been sold a bill of goods that all women must stay home and raise a house full of kids for their lives to have some meaning. If you don't love being a mom, there must be something wrong? I just wonder if God really wants me to go through life feeling like the biggest failure because I can't manage to get the laundry out of the freakin' living room. I don't know if I'm ever going to get to the point where I can say, "oh well" to the mess. But I'm over other people taking their interpretation of things and applying it to my life. And I'm done accepting it.

So I'm stuck. Stuck at home with kids spending every single day feeling like a complete failure and finding no joy in life. The answer cannot possibly be to try harder. I realize that God loves me no matter how big the laundry pile is or (fill in the blank), and my worth is not measured by that, but honestly, I don't love me. For some reason, I cannot see myself the way He does. I know I'm not alone in this, but it definitely feels like it.

8 comments:

Lindsay said...

Your post doesn't invite many comments, which I totally understand. Sometimes you're sitting where you don't really WANT to hear from anyone else.

The only thing I want to say is - don't underestimate the impact that 10 trips to the pediatrician, 2 rips to the E.R., and two to the dr. for yourself can have on your emotional and physical well-being. Even if this was the ONLY thing going on in your life (which I'm sure it's not), these things are enough to put a seriously weight on you emotionally. And, like any physical burden, it will take some "rest" for you to recover.

Hang in there - it DOES get better, but I know it doesn't feel like it. Just know there are people praying for you. :)

Marla said...

You just described my daily life! I feel EXACTLY the same way. I think if one more 60+ lady tells me to "Enjoy every minute" I may snap and go off on her till she cries!

Anonymous said...

I don't think there are words of consolation for that feeling. *hug*
All I know, Georgie Peach Pie, is that there are dirty and clean clothes strewn all over my bedroom and on the kitchen table. The guest bath tub is mildewed, the floor covered in dirt and dog hair, etc, etc and I don't have kids.
Remember a time when you were down in the dumps and your place was a wreck without 4 kids and a husband? You're doing more now then you ever have to keep things in their current state, of that I have no doubt. People with multiple kids and a clean house have maids or meth or both (that's my theory and I'm sticking to it).
Just always listen to your heart because how you are feeling may be God's message for you, too.
Kellie

Anonymous said...

No fantastic words of wisdom here. Thinking of you and hoping tomrrow is better:-)

Cathy

Anonymous said...

I love you! You are the strongest bravest woman I know even if you don't know it! Try to make yourself smile at least one time even if it hurts. Each morning literal write on a piece of paper one thing that is fact that is good in your life. If you ever reach a day that you can't think of one thing good, just read one (or all) of your previous notes. I do truly love you!

~Jenny

marylea said...

I felt like that so much when my kids were young. I was home with them a lot when their dad was traveling for work. Hearing that you are not alone may not comfort you and it probably doesn't even seem true. But you are in good company. Life has lots of dirty floors, and lots of chores. Those aren't the measure or your parenting. Saying a prayer for you today that the clouds will lift, even if only for a time, to show you the sun is still shining on you, even if you don't see it every day. God bless.

shanon said...

No advice to give. Just letting you know I've been there, and am slowly coming out of the dark myself. I had to see my doctor, and I'm actually on medication for it. That may not be a bad idea. Just know that you have people that love and support you, no matter what you choose to do. I send you big hugs.
Shanon

The Savage said...

So I'm stuck. Stuck at home with kids spending every single day feeling like a complete failure and finding no joy in life. The answer cannot possibly be to try harder. I realize that God loves me no matter how big the laundry pile is or (fill in the blank), and my worth is not measured by that, but honestly, I don't love me. For some reason, I cannot see myself the way He does. I know I'm not alone in this, but it definitely feels like it.

Oh, I could so have written this. Only my mountain isn't laundry, it's my "vocalizations" at my kids. Once I pretty well made up my mind that spanking was just NOT an option for me, it all went down hill. I can't express doubts about my parenting at church or ask others for ideas, because everyone else spanks. But I know yelling is just as destructive to their little hearts. *sighs*

You're right... you're in the trenches. I roll my eyes every time someone says "the days are long, but the years are short." Notice the ones that say that never come over for a day to help, LOL. Oh, and "just trying harder"?? BAH!!! I could rant for pages as that's the underlying message we get a LOT at church, but that's probably best done in my own space. ;-)

I know I haven't been here in ages, but I've missed you. Your honesty is refreshing, even if painful. Glad things are more calm now a few months later than when you posted this...